In searching for a soul mate, that “magical other,” many people enter their first committed relationship in college. Romantic relationships can be wonderful, nurturing the best in two people. It is a given that the healthiest relationships will have times when things are complicated, confusing, and challenging. Problems sometimes arise when two people have conflicting expectations of what their relationship “should” be, are distracted by academic or other personal issues, or have difficulty communicating in ways their partner can really hear and clearly understand.
While the early stages of a relationship are often effortless and exciting, successful long-term relationships involve ongoing effort and compromise. Because relationship skills are rarely “taught,” sometimes one or both partners may not know how to establish and maintain a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship.
It is not unusual for relational conflicts to originate in the expectations or we hold regarding relationships. Each of us enters a romantic relationship with our unique hope and expectations. We dream this “magical other” might perhaps be the soul mate for us. We harbor notions about what we do and don’t want based on family dynamics, what we’ve seen in the media, and our “ghosts of Christmas past” relationship experiences.
Sometimes our expectations are unrealistic, unfair, and even self-defeating. Disagreements are not only normal but, if constructively resolved, actually strengthen the relationship. Inevitably, there will be times of sadness, tension, or righteous anger between you and your “main squeeze.” The sources of these problems may lie in unrealistic, unreasonable emotional demands, unexplored expectations, or unresolved issues or behaviors. Keys to resolving conflicts are self-honesty, a willingness to consider your partner’s perspective, and effectively communicating, communicating, communicating!!!
Relationships benefit enormously when partners recognize the expectations they bring into the relationship and consider the different ways these expectations are affecting the relationships. If there is a single notion which permeates this piece, it is the fact that the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of the relationship we have with ourselves. Since much of the relationship we have with ourselves operates at an unconscious level, most of the drama and dynamics with others is expressive of our own personal psychology. This is not a narcissistic activity, but rather will prove to be the most loving thing we can do for the “magical other.” That is, the greatest gift to others is our own best self. Paradoxically, if we are to serve relationships well, we are obliged to affirm our sense of self.
Counseling can help you identify problematic patterns in your current relationship, as well as look toward other relationships you may have in the future. Counseling Services is presenting a workshop on “Building Healthy Relationships” Oct.23, 30, Nov. 6 and 13 noon – 1 p.m. at the Owen-Franklin Health Center. Please be prepared to attend each date for one hour. Contact Dr. Ronald Briggs at (936) 261-1400 for more information.