“Please don’t ask me that…. the thought of being with a guy makes my stomach hurt,” said 17-year-old Antreace Marshall as she speaks about the openness of her homosexuality and reveals the rationale behind her alternative lifestyle. As the conversation begins she calmly sits back, looks to the ceiling, and gently begins to speak. This is her journey.Q. Starting off with some general information, do you consider yourself a lesbian? A. Yes I do.
Q. What was your family background like? A. I’m the youngest of three girls. We were raised by my grandmother in Wichita, Kansas in a very loving, Christian household environment. Overall, I enjoyed my childhood.
Q. Where were your biological parents, and do you think by them not being a part of your life directly played a part in your choice to be a lesbian? A. My mother was ill and unable to take care of us efficiently and my father… I’ve only seen twice in my life. He was just never around.
Q. Studies have shown that a vast percentage of homosexual people were raped or molested during their childhood and or as adolescents. Was this the case for you? A. No. Not at all. Thank God I never experienced that but I feel sorry for people who may have regardless of what their sexual preference may be.
Q. When did you feel like you were gay? A. When I was about 11 years old I had a serious crush on my babysitter. Initially, I just admired her a lot. She was pretty and very smart. Then it got to the point that I thought about her far more than normal and began to have dreams about her.
Q. What kind of women are you attracted to? A. Femmes are the lesbian females that are of course feminine. Studs take on the more masculine or aggressive role.
Q. So you are what? A. I’m a femme. I’m attracted to studs. There are times I want to be with a femme like myself, but usually with them it’s more of a sexual thing because it’s more sensual.
Q. Have you ever dated a guy or had a boyfriend? A. No, I’ve never had a boyfriend and never dated a guy.
Q. If you never dated a guy…. how would you know that you wouldn’t like it? A. It would be the equivalent of me asking you as a straight female, how do you know you won’t like being with a girl?
Q. How did your family find out and react to you being a lesbian? A. The babysitter that I had a crush on inspired me to start a diary. When I reached 9th grade I used to carry the diary around in my purse and someone got hold of it. Before I knew it, it had gotten around to the whole school, from my classmates and teachers to the janitor and principal.
Q. How did that make you feel and what did you do? A. I figured I’d rather tell my grandmother than to have her or any other member of my family find out any other way.
Q. In terms of religion, and/or spirituality, what is your perspective in regards to your lifestyle? A. I’m a Christian. I think about the morality of my homosexuality constantly. If it’s wrong, then it’s going to take God himself and not the views of other people to convict me. One day if I’m delivered from it, then this is my testimony.
Q. Do you desire to have children one day? A. Not really. I love children but I would not want my child to have to deal with the capacity of my homosexuality.
Q. When was your first sexual experience with a girl? A. I was scared and very nervous.
Q. Are you currently dating anyone? A. No.
Q. Does a down-low female exist? A. Yeah, I wish more people would ask questions instead of going around not knowing or afraid to say something. By the way there are down-low females on this campus.
Q. What do you mean? A. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been introduced to someone who already knew I’m gay saying “Oh I have a boyfriend (whispering) but I like girls, too.”
Q. Anything else? A. (Pausing) Since people are going to be reading this I don’t want females thinking I want them (laughing)! I’m attracted to what I’m attracted to but that doesn’t mean it’s you, girl!
As the interview ends she takes a deep breath and then smiles. Antreace is an out-of- state student from Wichita, Kansas. She is currently a freshman psychology student.